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Later, in my late 40s, I became a chaplain, first in jail, later prison, then hospice. I saw persons related to me differently, more over-all positively, more accepting and comfortable in my presence. I had gotten older, learned, gaining wisdom over time. I had softened up, mellowed, was more relaxed with myself. I could sense others relax with me, even in situations of illness and death, and inmates.
I came to respect persons did not need me to be helper, but to be a presence of kindness, a patient, calm, simple being-with. Most of my work, for example, as a chaplain with the dying was simply to be there, no agenda. In fact, in hospice work, this being-with, no-agenda style conflicted with having to write pragmatic goals. Other chaplains struggled with this. Being a chaplain is mostly an unseen work, that is, without tangible goals that can be measured, like the work many other clinicians do. Anyway, I found it playful how we chaplains had to be chaplains and write care plans to meet regulations, which meant our plans were often written creatively not to compromise our work but to please those who might show up to evaluate whether we were meeting state hospice regulations. Thankfully, I was a writer, a poet, and could 'poetically' use words and images to please, while going about being true to the compassionate work of serving patients and families with pastoral care, where non-doing is more important than doing.
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See in compassion we are not fixers, and that is what I had been educated to be in my early official and unofficial training in religion. A problem may or may not be solved, a person may or may not respond well. When one sits with someone dying, he or she sees nothing is present to be fixed, and one learns often the least done is the most done. Rarely with inmates or the dying did I have any strong feelings of compassion. I had learned one does not have to feel compassionate to be compassionate. I was, likewise, more able to be-with others, knowing any apparently negative response ~ which happens more than one might think in hospice work ~ was not about me, so it was not personalized as a personal issue. I had learned, when someone directs anger at you, it is about him or her, not you, or the person would not be caustic. Usually, in contexts of serving others, when one directs anger at you, you just happen to be present to receive it; you are a safe target. This happens in life, generally, as well. So, yes, being-compassion for someone may, or may not, expose you to being a target of his or her unhappiness.
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